By: Jill Maier, High Conflict Divorce Coach
Stand Your Ground Divorce Coaching
When your loved one confides in you the ugly truth that they are in an abusive and toxic
relationship, you can feel like deer in headlights. You are not sure what to say, unless you have been through it yourself. How do I support them? What do they need from me? How did this happen?
These are all valid questions. And chances are, if you are reading this, then you are a
kindhearted and invaluable friend that is already on the right path to being an integral part of
their much needed support team. It takes an army to get out of a toxic relationship. And by
being there for them, educating yourself, and doing your best to understand what they have
been through, you are already instrumental in helping them to rebuild trust and furthering their healing.
So how best to support them?
Listen- Be Present, they don’t need answers right now. They need to speak the truth out loud
to anyone that will listen. The more they say it, the more real it becomes, and will need to say it again and again to process this reality. They have been told by the abuser repeatedly that the abuse did not happen (gaslighting), and told it is all their fault for the demise of the relationship (projection.) They and have been controlled, isolated and manipulated so much that they don’t know which way is up or down.
Validate- Believe them! To hear the words, “Thank you for telling me, I believe you,” will be
healing on so many levels. The things that happened behind closed doors is too much crazy that it does not even sound real sometimes. And it is terrifying to think that they won’t be believed. So please validate, and then validate some more.
Self-Worth- Losing yourself is very common with an abuser. They have been told that they
don’t count, that they are the problem. They used to be put on a pedestal, but as time
marched on they are no longer good enough which instills further self-doubt. Tell them they are worthy of better, they are enough and they are not alone. Remind them who they have always been. They were most likely picked because of their empathy, kindness, and sparkly
personality. It is not their fault. They were preyed upon, because they were everything the
abuser wishes they could be but will NEVER be.
Hope- Often the abuser will threaten and instill fear if they try to leave the relationship. They
feel stuck. For as long as they can remember they have felt alone, remind them that they are
not alone. Offer hope, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Educate- Read as much as you can, listen to podcasts, and become 100% invested in
understanding how this happened and what they went through. Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse is often hidden behind closed doors. What you see outside the home is completely different. The abuse creeps in, until they are stuck, have no one left in their corner, and it feels too late to get out. Learn about high conflict individuals, narcissistic traits and abuse, and PTSD are to make them feel understood and supported. A person who has experienced a toxic relationship is looking for validation and to be believed.
Recovery will be hard, and finding peace again will be a marathon, make sure they know they
are worth it! They are going to need all the love, patience and support you can give.
Being prepared, and proactive is key. The more support the better the outcome can be.
Consider a session with someone who gets it, like a divorce coach who is trained in high
conflict. Divorce Coaches can’t give legal advice, but can be the link in the chain of support,
helping with strategy mindset, realistic expectations, radical acceptance, and provide emotional support.
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