How do you write a letter to your significant other when it’s time to talk about divorce?
First and most importantly, give yourself time to work through your feelings and be clear that divorce is the right decision for you. Be aware that the time when you are considering divorce and looking for clarity, but still living with your spouse can be incredibly uncomfortable. If you are not able to coexist with your spouse during this time of contemplation, you may be better off distancing yourself to gain better perspective. I realize that is easier said than done, but even a weekend away at a local hotel or with a friend or family member can be hugely beneficial. When it comes to something as serious as divorce, you want to be completely resolute in your decision before starting the conversation.
Dear Soon to be Ex,
Your opening statement should be clear and concise. Something like, "I have come to the difficult decision to end this relationship" or “I have been thinking a lot about our relationship and I just don’t see a future together” or “I no longer believe that we are compatible enough to remain in a romantic relationship”. You want to be honest and straightforward from the beginning so there is no room for confusion. Resist the urge to soften your words, that may give your partner mixed messages.
Next you will want to share some specifics about why you have decided to end your relationship. Sharing your reasoning and perspective will give your partner the opportunity to have closure. You don’t have to detail every single reason but share enough so that your partner isn’t feeling unclear about your decision.
Be honest and direct about your reasons for ending the relationship but stick with the facts. Refrain from insulting, name calling or blaming your partner, as this will be counterproductive. Angry or aggressive language will distract from the core issues of your letter and may result in your partner retaliating in a variety of spiteful or harmful ways.
If your partner exhibited specific behaviors that damaged your relationship, you can bring those up in your letter as well. As much as possible, use language that is in non-confrontational. It is not your job to educate your partner on what they have done wrong, but speaking your truth can be very therapeutic and help both of you move on.
Sometimes, it isn’t even something your partner is doing that led to the breakdown of the relationship. It may just be the process of growing apart or realizing that you lack long term compatibility. If this is the case, you should acknowledge that in the letter. This information may make it easier for your partner to understand and accept your decision without searching for other reasons, or feeling guilty about past mistakes.
You want to be firm in your words, but when in doubt, be kind. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Do not use sarcasm or humor. In a letter, your partner will receive none of the typical non-verbal cues that would be part of a breakup conversation. Be sensitive to the fact that written communication can be challenging and be as clear with your language as possible.
Confirm your decision to break up by letting your partner know that there are no more chances. Your decision was thoughtfully considered, not reactive or spur of the moment, so you are not going to change your mind and it is time for both of you to move on.
End the letter by saying something positive like, “I appreciate you and the time we spent together. I wish you happiness in the future” or “You have been an important person in my life, and I value the time we spend together” or “I hope that we both find the happiness we deserve.”
You may need to rewrite this letter a couple times until it feels right. Breaking up, especially with a spouse or long-term relationship, is a major life event so taking the time to get the words right is very important.
Make sure that you are happy with the words you write and the overall tone of your letter. Sending a letter gives your partner physical evidence of the way you handled the breakup. Be prepared that your letter may be shared with others, and you will want to be proud of how you handled yourself.
Warning: When Domestic Violence is present in your relationship, the rules change.
If you are afraid for your safety, get help. If you are concerned that your partner may be violent at any time, break up in a public place. Ask for a friend or family member to be nearby just in case you need assistance. Do not hesitate to call the police any time you are threatened.
When you are in a relationship with an abuser, remember that you don’t owe them 100% of the truth. There is a reason that “It’s not you, it’s me” is the most common break up line. It works! It’s consistent with human nature. “Of course, it’s not the fact that you are an abusive narcissist, don’t be ridiculous. It’s me. I’m the problem.”
What you experienced in your relationship may not matter at all to your spouse. Don’t get hung up on validation. You may never get it. You may also never get an apology or even the slightest amount of remorse. This is exactly why you are leaving this relationship.
Getting out of a relationship safely is the key. Consider your options when you are writing this letter. Every relationship is unique, and you should trust your intuition when it comes to the best way to exit.
Finally, be careful about who you talk to about your decision to end your relationship. The last thing that you need is your partner hearing about your intention to end your relationship from a third party. Most importantly, don’t put anything on social media until you are 100% sure of your decision and have had the chance to deliver your letter or have the breakup conversation with your spouse first.
Good luck! What you are doing takes courage and conviction. You can do this. Don’t let the guilt of hurting your spouse change your mind. It is time to prioritize your own health and safety. You have a beautiful future ahead of you.
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