By Jill Maier, Certified Divorce Coach
Deciding to get out of a toxic relationship with a narcissist is really, really, hard. It is not a
decision that anyone takes lightly. Add children to the mix, and that makes leaving feel
insurmountable. Most will ask themselves at least a million times, “Should I stay? Or should I
go?” before making the actual decision to leave. Most of the time, the driving force to leave is
protecting the children from a sick cocktail of emotional, verbal and sometimes physical abuse.
In return for wanting to end the relationship, the unsafe parent will do everything in their
power to keep the family intact. They will say they have changed. They will try to make amends and promise to go to therapy. They will start to be involved with the kids more. They might perform grand gestures to show how they have changed, and acts of service you always wished they would have done before you got to the point of leaving. But often, when leaving someone toxic with narcissistic traits, there is no changing. The unsafe parent is playing mind games. A strategy to get the safe parent to stay.
Once out of the toxic relationship, most imagine that a sense of relief and calmness would
follow. Much like when the clouds break, and a rainbow appears after a bad storm.
But it does not.
No one warns or talks about that fact that divorcing a high conflict and toxic individual will most likely be the most treacherous part of the journey, and the abuse will continue long after
leaving.
But they should.
Think about it. The safe parent leaves to get away from the abuse, which means the toxic
parent lost control. And they DO NOT like to lose. So now they are going to do everything in
their power to take back that control, often in another form of abuse.
Post Separation Abuse is a form of control that takes place after leaving the toxic relationship.
Bringing awareness to Post Separation Abuse is the first step in being able to recognize and
prepare for it. It can come in many forms including counter parenting, harassing & stalking,
legal abuse, financial abuse, coercive control, isolation, and bogus alienation allegations. Using the children as a weapon is a twisted type of pleasure for the toxic parent, and a great source of pain for the safe parent. It can look like undermining the safe parents parenting abilities and decisions. Denying medical or therapeutic needs. Opposing values in the child to spite the safe parent. It can be bombarding the healthy parent with an overwhelming number of emails, phone calls, manipulative threatening, and abusive messages. Imposing a false narrative to make the safe parent doubt their reality, memory, and perceptions (known as gaslighting). Exposing the children to unsafe content, situations or people which creates concern and fear in the safe parent. Disregarding court orders and seeking custody as a means of revenge.
Post Separation Abuse can derail even the most levelheaded and even keeled healthy parent, as it becomes a next level crazy battlefield of lies and deceit.
Think the abuser can’t lie in court?
They can.
Think they won’t want sole custody because they were never interested in the kids?
They will.
Whatever the healthy and safe parent wants, the toxic and unsafe parent will do
everything in their power to prevent from getting.
Post Separation Abuse can be worse than the abuse endured while in the relationship.
It can make one feel unprepared, alone, and helpless. The unhealthy parent will be covert about it, which means others around won’t necessarily see it. It is a means to wear down the healthy parent, to win the battle and ultimately seek revenge for leaving. It can be daunting and feel like it will never end.
The gravity of the situation is that few in the family court system are trained or aware of post
separation abuse, and the struggles and stress it creates when trying to co-parent with
someone who is only out to get revenge. It can look as though both parents are high conflict.
The only way to battle it is for the safe parent to pick their battles wisely, stay regulated,
document, have clear boundaries and use yellow rock communication, all while proving time,
and time again, that they have the best interests of their kids in mind.
A divorce coach can help to fill one’s toolbox with skills and strategies to cope with Post
Separation Abuse. Realistic expectations will be half the battle. Self-care and finding ways to
combat burnout will also be important because it will be like running a marathon. There will be a need for endurance training to keep up. A good coach can be there to encourage, cheer, and support the safe parent.
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